He was a well-dressed man. He had no need for an appointment. With a smile and a nod he walked straight past the front desk of Amplitude Records and into the lift, muzak filling the air as he ascended. He had always liked muzak, he found it enjoyably infuriating. In his hand he held a greasy burger, which he finished off as he left the lift, but despite his eating habits he carried hardly any fat on his lean frame. He walked confidently into the CEO’s office, and before the head of the record company knew what was happening the two were already shaking hands. “Please allow me to introduce myself,” said the well-dressed man, “I’m a man of wealth and taste”. A smile came to the face of the CEO, “Ah” he said, “A Rolling Stones fan I see. Very funny” The CEO hesitated, fiddling with a pen on the desk, “but who the devil are you?” The well-dressed man smiled. “Call me Lou”

***

He was less well dressed. It wasn’t that he had no fashion sense, he was just trying to fit in with the common people. It had been a long time since he’d had to try, and last time it all ended in tears. Being the Son of God isn’t as easy as it looks, but it had all been decided, this was the right time to try again with Earth. The thing is, even when you are divine, change is difficult to deal with, and Earth had changed a lot. Everywhere he looked there was some sort of sin going on, at least by the definitions that he used the last time he was here. He thought that they may need to move the boundaries a little, give people a little more leeway, after all, it’s a different world now. He took out a little battered notebook and jotted this down. As he was about to put it back into his pocket a stressed businessman ran past and knocked him to the pavement, yelling “Out of the way, Hippie!” Jesus stood up and brushed himself off, why they had to choose London he’d never know.

***

There are too many guitarists in the world, and Johnny was one of them. He stood in line with hundreds of his fellow axe-wielders, all of them waiting to be called into the auditions for Amplitude Records’ guitarist talent competition, ‘String ‘Em Up’. Around him he could see people praying, probably hoping that some sort of higher power was going to let them win. Johnny had never put much faith in religion, and Christianity was the only one he could say he knew anything about, but he couldn’t see how they thought some bearded bloke in the sky was going to help them win a competition. Why would God help someone cheat? Isn’t that a sin?

***

“You’ve done well,” said Lou, as a group of uniformed men left the office. Sunlight shone warmly through the large office window, and glinted off the red jumpsuits of the men, picking out the gold thread on their badges, making the letters ‘DMN’ clearly legible. Lou sat down, and nonchalantly threw his feet up on the desk, managing to expertly knock the CEO name-plaque up off the desk and into his hand. A smile crept across his face as he read ‘Lou Cipher, CEO.’

***

Jesus wandered around, trying his best to help whoever he could. He’d tried all the normal things, helping old ladies across roads, giving change to homeless people, that sort of stuff, but nothing seemed to be working as well as he hoped. It was an odd feeling for a benevolent deity to be struggling to be good, so he just kept walking. His meandering took him to a large hotel where signs for a talent contest filled the windows, and as he looked around him at the people, he began to grin. He saw people praying, they were actually praying! He was amazed to see public prayer in such a godless time. He was tempted to go and answer them, but had to stop himself. What would they think of him? But then again, people had looked down on him once before, why should he not do his job and answer their prayers? No, not yet. Now is not the time.

***

It was now Johnny’s turn to audition. Before him sat three judges, glaring out from behind a desk. Studio lights shone brightly on the spot where Johnny stood, his feet shuffling on the X marked on the floor. “Are you ready?” asked one of the judges, obviously bored out of his mind. He never asked to be here, they just shoved a big paycheque in his face and told him to just be rude to the contestants. Not that he would ever be called rude by his fellow judges, of course not, he was ‘brutally honest’. He sat back on his chair and waited for Johnny to start. And Johnny did. He did good. He did things with that guitar that would make Jimi Hendrix want to cut off his hands in despair. As Johnny’s final long note faded to nothing, he thought, maybe that decision to join in with that praying thing wasn’t such a bad idea. The ‘brutally honest’ judge looked down at his notepad, then back up at Johnny. “I guess you can go through”

***

One prayer down, millions more to go. But they could wait. Jesus waited outside the audition room to meet whoever he’d answered the prayer of. He had decided to take it slowly, try and change the world one prayer at a time. He felt it was best to meet whoever it was face to face, it seemed divine intervention always worked best with a human face, which was the whole reason he was born in the first place. Jesus thought back two thousand years to his mother, Mary. If there one thing he didn’t like about modern Christianity, it was the art of Mary. It was all wrong. For one thing, they always painted her as white.

***

As Johnny left the audition he was greeted by a bearded man smiling at him. Well, not just smiling. It was a massive grin that spread from cheek to cheek, the sort of smile that said ‘I’m happy, so you should be too!’ Johnny didn’t like being told what to do, especially not by beardy-weirdy smiles.
“What the hell do you want?” barked Johnny.
Jesus’ smile faltered, but only a little, before he replied “I am the reason you won!”
“Huh?”
“You have god given talent.”
“Yeah, and how does that mean you helped me?”
“Did you have that talent before?”
“Sort of, just never the inspiration to improvise.”
“Then let’s say I inspired you.”
Johnny raised an eyebrow
“How the hell did you do that? This is the first time we’ve met”
“As I said, God given talent.”
The word ‘nutter’ drifted across Johnny’s mind.
“So you’re God then, huh?”
“Jesus, actually”
“Hay-zeus?”
“Jesus, j-e-s-u-s, don’t worry, there’s a knack to pronouncing it”
“Wait, you think you are Jesus?”
“Gee-zus, so that’s how you pronounce it now! I can’t keep it up”
Johnny decided that he had had enough crazy for one day, and tried to walk away, but Jesus stepped back in the way.
“Look” said Jesus “I know you think I’m crazy. I think I might too, but please listen. I’m here to help. Humour me? Please?”
Johnny relented, but on one condition.
“Fine, but can we talk in the pub? I’m gasping for a drink”

***

News travels fast in large, multinational businesses, and so it was not long before Lou was finding out about Johnny’s audition. “Interesting” mused Lou, “What a vibrant young soul he sounds like.” Lou paced around the office, before calling his secretary in. She was still getting used to her new boss, but she couldn’t help but be drawn to him, even if she couldn’t work out why. “Bring up the final of the talent contest to the soonest possible, and add myself to the guest list. I think I’ll put something aside for this… Johnny was it?” Lou sat down on the edge of the desk, and then looked up at the secretary. “Oh, and come back in here when you are done. I’d very much like a one to one with you,” said Lou, not even needing to use that charming wink of his.

***

Johnny did not need a charming wink either, but what he did need was another drink. He had no clue why, but he found himself believing the nutter calling himself Jesus. There was just an air of honesty about him, like he had an aura of trustworthiness, or maybe a halo of believability, but whatever it was, it worked. Maybe it was his eyes, thought Johnny. “Or maybe you should just not look for psychological tricks” Said Jesus, knowingly. Johnny choked on his beer, and said a little too loudly “So you can read minds now?” Eyes all over the pub suddenly darted over to the pair sitting at the table in the corner. Jesus waved, Johnny tried to drown himself in his pint. As per the unwritten pub rules, the rest of the clientele all decided that whatever was happening over there was someone else’s problem, and they all went back to completely ignoring all other groups in the pub. Johnny grabbed Jesus’ hand and slammed it down onto the table. “Would you bloody stop waving?” whispered Johnny angrily. “No-one waves in pubs.”
“Well,” thought Jesus aloud “I wanted to”
“Well don’t”
Someone turned up the volume of the television, just as some sort of press conference was starting. At a table sat a well-dressed man, all but his face obscured by a plethora of microphones. He introduced himself as Mr. Cipher, CEO of Amplitude Records, and made an announcement that due to unforeseen events, the final round of “String ‘Em Up” would be that same day, at seven that evening. Apparently, a stage was already being set up in Hyde Park. His final message was that very few of the competitors showed the talent needed, but there were a few exceptional cases, and those people would know who they are and should turn up at Hyde Park, ready to perform. The screen went dead. Johnny’s phone vibrated in his pocket, telling him he had a text message. It read ‘See you in the park’

It was 5:45. Jesus was not happy. “I don’t like it” he kept saying as the two of them made their way across the City to Hyde Park. “Well what do you want me to do?” asked Johnny “Not turn up?”
“Oh no” replied Jesus, “You have to go. I just don’t like it, is all.”

***

Lou surveyed the stage, and saw that it was awesome. He always liked to put on a show, and the designers had done a great job on the stage. One could call it the definition of rock, all flames and skulls, but for Lou it was strangely homely. But it was also very minimal in places. Unless it was going to be in full view, it was all black. Lou turned to one of the many roadies milling about and said “How much more black could this be?” The roadie shrugged, which was a massive effort considering how much he was carrying, and so Lou said, with a smile on his face “The answer is none, none more black.” Lou looked around him and sighed. “And now, we wait.”

7 O’clock. The hour of judgment, and for those about to Rock, we salute you. The lights were on, and the opening act had been booed off. The crowd were ready, and let out a massive cheer when Lou took the stage. He strutted confidently over to the microphone, threw his arms in the air and yelled, “Scream for me London!” Oh how he loved the sound of screams.

***

Jesus and Johnny reached the park just in time, and were quickly ushered backstage, then to the side of the stage, giving Johnny barely any time to prepare. He looked back at Jesus as he was pushed reluctantly onto the stage, seeing that bearded smile fade as his eyes adjusted to the stage lights. Jesus himself was trying to make his way onto the stage, and managed to get on with an honest grin and by mentioning something about Johnny needing him. Somehow, the roadies couldn’t say no.

“And now welcome our only finalist, Johnny!” Lou announced to the audience. Johnny stepped forward into full view of the audience, blinking like a deer caught in the headlights. The moment he tried to speak, one of the jump-suited, ‘DMN’ men handed him a microphone, and seemed to disappear just as quickly. “What do you mean?” asked Johnny, “only finalist?”

Lou decided to completely ignore the audience and talk straight to Johnny. “No one else was… I think worthy is the right word here. Music is a powerful thing, and no one else channeled that power like you.” At this point he turned back to the audience, while still talking to Johnny “Which is why I’d like to make a bet with you, and just to show you how serious I am, I’d like you to know who I really am.”
Johnny had expected some sort of epic transformation, filled with hellfire and horned demons. What he got was two of the DMN guards walking on a waving Jesus, and a lot of confusion. “Hello Jesus” said Lou with a grin.
Johnny was even more confused, “Wait” interrupted Johnny “You two know each other?”
Lou’s grin grew wider “Do you want to tell him?” said Lou, “or should I?”
Jesus put his hand on Johnny’s shoulder, and said “You really are slow aren’t you?”
“Oi!”
“This man is Beelzebub, Lucifer, Satan, The Devil Himself!”
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
Lou interjected, “No, he’s hit the nail on the head.”
“You’ve been wandering around with the Messiah all day”, agreed Jesus, “and this surprises you?”
The audience weren’t surprised, but then again, they weren’t really themselves. Lou had them under his demonic spell, they were transfixed, and all they could do was stand and watch this hellish farce of a talent contest. Lou loved a captive audience, and he wanted to get back to playing to it.
“As I was saying, if you care to take a dare, I’ll make a bet with you.” Said Lou, holding his hand out beside him. One of the DMN guards ran on and handed him an electric guitar made of solid gold. One could try and describe all the intricate details of it, the skull and bones motif, the sharp edges, the bat-like shape, but it would not do it justice. The best way to describe is to say that this solid gold axe was The Metal. “I bet the axe of gold against your soul, because I think I’m better than you.”
The confusion was taking Johnny over. “At what, guitar?”
“Obviously”
The next words to leave Johnny’s lips were not his own, but sometimes there are things that just have to be said. He said “My name’s Johnny, and it might be a Sin but I’ll take your bet, you’re gonna regret, because I’m the best there’s ever been.”

Lou smiled, and then that smile turned into a laugh. He was clearly enjoying this. “Well, let’s turn it up to Eleven then!” He made his way to the front of the stage and strummed a power chord, but  it had some deeper, more frightening undertones. Johnny looked around him and saw the cause, the DMN guards had picked up instruments and were playing back-up. Lou then began to shred, tapping his way all over the fretboard. It was inhumanly fast, and very impressive, Johnny was surprised that Lou’s fingers hadn’t caught fire. He then followed this up by running through all the greatest stage moves in rock history, he played behind his head, and with his head, he did scissor kicks, windmills and ended it all by sliding on his knees to the edge of the stage. “Your turn, Johnny boy.”

More inevitable words came to Johnny’s lips, he said “Well, you’re pretty good old son, now sit down in that chair, right there, and let me show you how it’s done” He looked around for Jesus, but he had run off, saying so before he started to play, he started to pray. He asked for help, and hoped Jesus heard him. He then stepped forward and started to rock. Johnny’s solo was very different to Satan’s, Johnny played far more melodically, and while he played a lot slower, it was no less impressive. Intricate harmonies, bluesy bends and expert use of the whammy bar, Johnny played with no show, all substance.
Lou wasn’t going to give up that easily, and so he started to play again. However, half way through his second solo, something odd started to happen. The sound stopped, and then began to skip, the few notes repeating over and over again like a broken record. That is because it basically was. Jesus walked out from backstage, a smug grin spread across his bearded face.
“It’s over Lucifer,” said Jesus, “Your trickery is not going to pass this time.”
Lou began to speak, but found himself speechless. He knew Jesus was right, and just as sometimes things need to be said in a certain way, sometimes writers have no choice of how to tell a story, and so, it all ended like this:

The Devil bowed his head because he knew that he’d been beat.
He laid that golden axe on the ground at Johnny’s feet
Johnny said “Devil just come on back if you ever want to try again,
I told you once, you son of a bitch, I’m the best there’s ever been.”

Lou was not happy, so with a roar and a puff of red smoke, he, the DMN guards, the stage and the audience all disappeared. All that was left was Jesus and Johnny standing in the middle of Hyde Park. In Johnny’s hand was the golden guitar.
“What the hell just happened?” Johnny asked Jesus.
“You won, everything has gone back to normal.”
“No, I mean, why is the stage, Lou and the audience all just gone?”
“I guess it’s an ego thing,” shrugged Jesus “It was sort of his way of showing his power, and erasing any record of it happening”
“So no-one will remember any this ever happening?”
“Nope”
“Well that’s a bit convenient”
“Yeah, I guess it is” said Jesus, the understatement of the century flying right over his head. He started to walk off, and Johnny had to run to catch up with him.
“Hey, where are you going?”
Jesus shrugged, “You don’t need me any more”
“Huh?”
“I’ve got a whole load of atheists to win over, I’ve got to get going”
“Oh”
“I’ll see you around, OK?”
“Yeah, I guess”
Jesus walked off again, this time Johnny did not follow. After a few steps, Jesus turned back to Johnny and asked, “Have you ever heard of The Charlie Daniels Band?”
“No, why?”
“Never mind, Goodbye Johnny”
And Jesus disappeared into the night.